the problem with low blood sugar

the problem with low blood sugar is that every time i have it, i lose the ability to reason, to make good eating decisions, and to walk straight.

here's the scene. i wake up, it's the middle of the night, i'm covered in sweat, shaking, and starving. the ONLY thought on my mind is "get some food. now. before you pass out." it's pitch dark, 2am, so i'm disoriented and only half-awake but my mind and heart are both racing...so already i'm not in "good decision making mode".

beside my bed in the nightstand is candy SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS SITUATION. all i had to do was eat a few pieces, and find a way to calm myself for 10 minutes until it started working. but 10 minutes is like 10 hours when your body is telling you "you must eat now. NOW." and past experience of sitting in bed, knees to chin, rocking back and forth waiting for the sugar to take effect has led me to respond in a new way.

so i stumble out of bed, cursing my ever-unreliable insulin dosage, down the stairs and into the kitchen. the problem is that while i always think ahead and stock plenty of good, high-sugar items specifically for these situations, when it comes down to the moment i no longer have the ability to discern a good snack from a bad one. so where i should have grabbed the applesauce which is healthy, contains a reasonable amount of sugar, and would have worked very quickly to bring my blood back up to normal...i instead, like always, went for the items that i would never have eaten if in my right mind and contained far too much fat to work as quickly as i needed them too. low blood sugars place this thought in your head that you are starving, even if you aren't...and promotes the idea that it will take an enormous amount of food to remedy the situation, even though it really only takes a small amount.

in the end, what should have been applesauce, turned into ice cream, chocolate covered raisins, granola, and date nut bread. in the same bowl. and while none of these things have ever tasted as good as they did right then, the 3 hour stomachache that followed AND the realization that i had just blown all of my weight watchers points for the week in one snack, has led me to not be able to look any of those items in the face since. the sight of something sweet makes me want to vomit and for the first time in my life, i have no desire to eat anything that even remotely resembles a dessert food for a very long time.

Hesitation

when confronted with the opportunity to write, i find i'm reluctant to do so. it's been so easy to focus on other people's writings lately, that i don't even think about my own stuff. in fact, sometimes i feel that the second i got my degree in writing, i ceased to become a writer. by defining myself as something, i immediately became afraid that i could not live up to the definition. so for five years, i've been hiding in the role of editor...the safe role...the role i already knew i could do.

even now, as i sit here starting at a brand new blog, i find myself completely preoccupied with organizing and customizing my page instead of writing in it, as though the moment my words are flung out into the wide expanse of the internet universe, they will immediately come under scrutiny and rejection.

the evidence that i have a degree, an actual bachelor's degree, in writing, which not just anyone can get...should convince me that i can, in fact, write, and write well. and yet, here i sit...

Just landed

So here I am...blogging...finally. As a writer, you'd think I'd have done this a while ago. Even now, I can't seem to make up my mind which blogging site I want to use...so I'm gonna try both until one emerges as the superior. It's likely that I'll post the same things to both during this nice little trial period, so if you're following me on one, don't feel like you have to follow the other as well. Unless you want to :)

One of my goals is to post a poem once a week on here. Not sure if both sites will allow me to categorize or organize posts in the same way, but I'm hoping I can make Poem Folders or something. Either way, feel free to hold me accountable for that. One a week. No exceptions except in dire DIRE emergencies. Super dire.